Pooperoni

Posted: October 31, 2014 in Don't Shit Where You Eat!, Toiletainment!

SAUSAGES!

I mean, that alone should make your mouth water and/or arise some sort of chuckle because you’re a 13 year old boy that thinks he’s the first person to make the connection that sausages are phallic shaped. Either way, we cannot deny that sausages have been/are/will be part of everyone’s life at one point or another. We’ve all been to a sausage fest after all. at one point or another in our lives.

Sausage Fest in a jacuzi! (sexiness. too bad you can't see it!)

The bad kind of sausage fest

 

SAUSAGES EVERYWHERE!!!

The good kind of sausage fest!

Now that we’ve covered our bases on the good and the bad kind of sausage, it’s time to turn our attention to the new, third kind of sausage that would make most of us cringe, the UGLY!

ENTER: the pooperoni

No, that’s not a lame pun. No, it’s not a spelling mistake. You heard me. Pooperoni. After all, this is a blog about toilets, why else would I include sausage?
Scientists have created a new and exciting kind of sausage. A healthy sausage that would add to your intestine’s natural flora. In layman’s terms, It adds bacteria to help you poop better. You might’ve seen ads about “Probiotic yogurt” that help you take a dump, that’s basically the same thing but in sausage form. Normally, for a rapid bowel movement, you’d opt for super spicy, preferably badly preserved sausage, and have the most explosive bowel movement of your life, but that isn’t what science is here to do.

you do not want to see this. trust me

Not as happy an ending as this one. no green meadows, only the brown shit.

 

So, what the good researchers at Catalonia’s Institute of Food and Agricultural Research decided to do, is to make your sausage using a very special ingredient, extracted from the most remote places that humans have dared to explore. So demanding was their search, that they ended up searching where the sun don’t shine, and from within the darkness, they found the answer, all of that to make your bowel movements that much easier. (To my lebanese readers, Imagine zein al atet’s ad, only even more extreme. To my non- lebanese readers, see video below for reference.)

 

However, the true source of this magical ingredient isn’t some amazonian plant. It’s extracted from this BEAST!!!

AVERT YOUR EYES!

STARE INTO THE EYES OF…. Wait what? That’s a baby! Where’s the monster?

 

That’s right. Babies.

Wait no, no no no no no… Don’t call the cops!!! IT ISN’T MADE OF BABIES! It’s made using baby poop. Ok granted that doesn’t sound much better, but it really is good for you. The way it works is bacteria! Baby poop has bacteria that is proven to give a nice little boost to the health of your intestine by adding probiotic bacteria. The good kind of bacteria. The kind that breaks down your food and helps unconstipate you. So, instead of making sausage the traditional way using raw meat bacteria, we replace that with baby poo bacteria. It’s cuter, cuz you know… babies! Word on the street is that this sausage dosen’t taste half bad either!!

Would I try it? I don’t know. Probably, only because those buggers are so damn cute I don’t want to put them out of business.

 


For any comments or suggestions, send a mail to the Janitor in Chief at: thepublictoilet@hotmail.com

Advertisements

Public Toilet Survival Kit

Posted: December 20, 2013 in Toiletainment!

As most of you readers know, I like to keep a tight ship while running things here at the public toilet. That means sanitation and cleanliness is paramount. However, one can not expect to be as lucky everywhere else in the world. We good folk of the public toilet like to look after you, dearest readers, and therefore, for your personal hygiene we refer you to this! (click image for Amazon.com page)

fact: the public toilet survival kit is much smaller than the zombie survival kit

For those emergency cases where you absolutely need to use a public toilet, yet do not wish to get crabs and/or fungus from the seat. Keep one on you at all times, you never know…. stay safe!

 

For any further details or questions, please contact the Public Toilet Janitor in chief by clicking the link below


Send a mail to the Janitor in Chief at: thepublictoilet@hotmail.com

Methods of peeing: Male version

Posted: October 28, 2013 in Toiletainment!

To the many female readers out there, I know you might think that the male urination process is a magical feat of wonder and mystery… This post serves to shed some light on the many ways guys can urinate. Lo and Behold, EDUCATE THYSELVES!!

 

I hope you found that Informative enough.  For any further details or questions, please contact the Public Toilet Janitor in chief by clicking the link below


Send a mail to the Janitor in Chief at: thepublictoilet@hotmail.com

Big in Japan

Posted: May 16, 2013 in Toiletainment!

Ahh… Japan…. Land of the rising sun, creators of favorites such as Godzilla, Pokemon and sushi. Technology giants, with names as big as Sony, Toyota, Fujitsu, and the list can stretch for ages so I’mma just stop right there…

Aww thank you Kanye, but I’m done with this list anyway… so I’m ok. Really. …. Go away now… please.

So… ANYWAY…. Those good people in Japan also are one of the more colorful characters in the world. Known for eccentricity in everything, (yea we all know they’re a weird bunch) But do you think what goes on in the privacy of their toilets should remain private? HELL NO! This is the public toilet. We therefore bring you: SUPERTOILETS, the toilets of the future!

As featured on one of the prominent references of the future, Futurama!

This is where it gets interesting. Try to keep up please. Here’s what your basic high-tech Japanese toilet control panel looks like (Yea, they got control panels.)

To those of you that don’t even know how to work a thermostat… Good luck taking a dump in Japan.

Now from just reading what’s on the panel, you kind of figure out what basic functions Japanese toilets come fitted with…

If you didn’t quite get them all, here’s a nice list!

1- Front wash

2- Posterior wash

3- Nozzle sterilizer

4- Deodorizer

5- Water temperature control

6- Air dryer (+temperature control)

7- Adjustable water pressure

8- Heated seats

9- Noise maker (for people that don’t need people listening on their business… it generates random noise to cover it up)

10- Auto lid/seat

11- Massage cleaning

12- Self Washing bowl

13- Nightlight

14- Timer

Doesn’t that sound pretty much like heaven? Screw the Iron Throne, I wanna sit on one of these for the rest of my life! Here’s what a few of them look like

Umm… on second thought… this looks scary

well. There you have it folks. you heard it here first. So if you’re dropping by Japan any time soon, be sure to try the sushi, so that you can leave the good folks there a little gift in those massaging toilet machinations. Who knows, you might get a happy ending with it!

And please. Treat them with respect and dignity. We don’t want this scenario happening again :/

As always, Happy Flushing!!


Send a mail to the Janitor in Chief at: thepublictoilet@hotmail.com

Special commendation is deserved for all and any who helped destroy the Nazi scum back in the day. This article is written to commemorate one unsung hero, sitting deep in the cold embrace of the North Sea’s bosom. One lone rogue, tired of taking shit from all those damn Nazis, so one day, it decided to revolt.

This is the story of one toilet that infiltrated behind enemy lines, and caused the sinking of a German submarine. This is a story of a hero. This is the story of the toilet of U-1206…

Our hero’s body lies resting within this vessel. May the Lord shine his light upon him!

Here’s how the story goes:

The U-1206 was a state of the art German U-Boat that was striking fear and terror off the coast of Scotland. Now a part of the boat’s state of the art-ness was its new deepwater high-pressure heads which allowed them to be used while running at depth. Flushing these facilities was extremely complicated and special technicians were trained to operate them. How much more advanced can you get, flushing a toilet while deep underwater?! Though I must admit, a technician employed solely for the purpose of flushing toilets is kind of a sweet job.

(WARNING: Let the following  be a lesson to all scientists out there NOT to play God. Man was never meant to flush a toilet so deep underwater…)

Official report (By official I mean I got it off Wikipedia):

“On April 14, 1945, 8 miles (13 km) off Peterhead, Scotland, while cruising at a depth of 200 feet (61 m), misuse of the new head caused large amounts of water to flood the boat. […] The leak flooded the submarine’s batteries (located beneath the toilet) causing them to release chlorine gas, leaving him with no alternative but to surface. Once surfaced, U-1206 was discovered and bombed by British patrols, forcing Schlitt to sink his own submarine”

God bless you, brave soldier!

The brave little ceramic warrior forced the German captain to sink his own ship… THE SHAME!
And so, I thereby bestow upon that toilet, the WWII Medal of honor! (or an E-Version of that)

Congratulations old friend… you deserve it!

 


Send a mail to the Janitor in Chief at: thepublictoilet@hotmail.com

To make up for my absence (notice how I’m always absent?) I have a special 2 in one hall of fame induction.

It takes a special kind of dedication to one’s decor and theme to apply it with such devotion such that even the toilets adopt the ambiance. For their hard work and dedication to their themes, Moscow mule and Shakespeare & co., I SALUTE YOU!

On a casual Friday night, I paid a visit to Moscow Mule, and I discovered that the place is chillin like a villain! The music, the staff, and the people there are awesome. Furthermore, they are true to their toilets. Lo and behold!

THE MOSCOW MULE:

IMG_20121202_011509

Moscow Mule logo on their wall

And their glorious toilet signage

IMG_20121202_011359

Female Toilet sign. Excuse the photography, this is a bar, and yes, people get drunk in bars.

IMG_20121202_011547

Male toilet sign. I had sobered up a bit by then it seems.

Pretty neat, right? but check this out

SHAKESPEARE & CO.

Shakespeare and co. Logo

Shakespeare and co. Logo

Right so this place transports you back to Victorian England with all its fancy decor and its plush velvet drapes and comfy couches. They even got a fake fireplace thing going on. Perfect for tea time, an just as a note, the food there is amazing.

Back to the matter at hand, their toilet signage does not fail them, as you can very well see below:

 

 

 

The napoleon-style dude is clearly very upper class to be urinating in a chamber pot

The napoleon-style dude is clearly very upper class to be urinating in a chamber pot

This lady however may very well be able to fit a chamber pot beneath the many layers of cloth that is her dress.

This lady however may very well be able to fit a chamber pot beneath the many layers of cloth that is her dress.

 

I must say, govna’, huzzah !

That’s it for this episode of the WC hall of fame! Stay tuned for more updates very soon! ( I won’t keep you all waiting this time, I promise)


For any comments or suggestions, send a mail to the Janitor in Chief at: thepublictoilet@hotmail.com

Captain Drunken: Pee at Sea

Posted: June 11, 2012 in Toilet Gaming!

What better way to kick off this toilet gaming section than with a toilet themed game!

Introducing: Captain Drunken: Pee at Sea. Its basically fully described in the title. You control the pee-stream of a drunken captain  that really needs to go. your job is to tilt the phone appropriately so that the dude doesn’t make a mess. Simple enough.

why doesnt he sit? CUZ HES THE CAPTAIN!

As with most games, you collect coins at the end of each game and those allow you to unlock skins for the captain, a new game mode, pissed off birds (cute pun on angry birds) and new skins for the first mate, sally, whom i think shows a bit too much cleavage, even for a cartoon character in a pee based game.

who agrees? right?

The game is a bit annoying at first, but you get the hang of it. Fun enough for casual gaming on a quick trip to the bathroom, however not very exciting, and graphically not perfect. I rate it: a solid 3.5 toilet bowls!!

3.5 toilet bowls!

Captain Drunken: Pee at Sea is available on android at:

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.distingushedfellows.peeatsea&hl=en


Send a mail to the Janitor in Chief at: thepublictoilet@hotmail.com

Back in the olden days, when people actually read magazines and newspapers in print, you could always find those in the bathroom to entertain you while you do your buisiness. There are even magazine racks for that purpose

Ain’t that cute?! He thinks he can read 😀

Very tasteful. The queen of England probably has one of those.

ENTER, THE INFORMATION AGE! Now, people own Ipods, Ipads, Androids, and a whole bunch of other smart devices. Therefore the only paper that remains in the bathroom is the one you wipe with and the magazines and papers get replaced by that tiny thing between your hands…. no not that, your phone -_-

you’re welcome. Noone really wants to see a dude in her place. But you get the picture

So, in that respect, and following your toilet needs that we here fulfill, expect to have a section about just that. Toilet gaming and enertainment while you go! we shall dedicate this section to reviwing apps and games for your favorite mobile smart devices! YES! the public toilet is embracing technology! REJOICE! Happy gaming everyone!


Send a mail to the Janitor in Chief at: thepublictoilet@hotmail.com

HOLD THE LINE!

Posted: May 29, 2012 in Toiletainment!

We’re back! and i think its like the 5th or 6th time we’ve said that on this blog. In any case, we’re happy to be back and entertain all your toilet needs, and now you can finally stop holding it in and step into the public toilet once more!

Speaking of holding it in, it does sound like something we do everyday. At some points, it would be war with your bladder.

you know that face. you’ve made that face. Usually related to diherriea and war with your colon…

Hopefully, for your sake, most of the times you’ve won the battle and did not end up with a puddle under your feet or brown streaks all along your pants.

I know, I know, you’re going to tell me that the best feeling in the world is holding it in forever and then releasing Poseidon’s rage into the depths of the toilet bowl, and I agree. After a night of heavy beer drinking, that release is one of the best feelings money can’t buy.

Just look at how much fun she’s having!

However, what we do not know, and the good guys here at the public toilet want you to be aware of, is that the very thing you’re trying to prevent will happen more often if you hold it in often. What happens is that when the bladder expands and you hold it in, it will lose its elasticity over time, meaning you’ll have to go to the bathroom more often and you wouldn’t be able to have as much fun as you did before. We’re not complaining, we’d love to see you visit us more, but preferably without having soiled yourselves.

Holding it in will not have any serious instantaneous effects like bursting the bladder, (except in extreme cases like having a full bladder and getting shot in the bladder… that kind of stuff.. then you’d have more serious problems, like filing the hospital paperwork… filling those things can be a bitch) However, you might not want to have urinary tract infections and a tendency to have uncontrollable bowel movements. Yea, those suck too.

Our advice? as always, use the toilet. Just go. Use it. We’re here for you. We’re the shoulder for you to cry on. We know what you need. We can take it.

and if for some reason a guy points a gun at your head and tells you that you can’t pay us a visit, this cool web page has a few tips and tricks for you!

http://www.wikihow.com/Hold-in-Pee-when-You-Can’t-Use-the-Bathroom

Just one more thing before we let you go. Its summer n stuff. please don’t pee in the pool, its ok to try and hold it in when you’re swimming. Please,i ts damaging to our business.

Don’t do it. Or ill send all three of those guys to your house to pee in your bathtub.

As always we wish you a pleasant urinary experience! Adieu!


Send a mail to the Janitor in Chief at: thepublictoilet@hotmail.com

Hall of Fame: 8mm Hamra

Posted: January 28, 2012 in Local WC of Fame

 

 

It is always appreciated when a pub is themed. What’s more appreciated is when they go all out on the theme, and that’s what’s so EPIC about 8mm in hamra.

For those of you who do not know, 8mm is not like 9mm, a caliber of ammo, its the width of the film strip used to shoot movies and the like.

So anyway, apart from the movie posters and amazing paintings on the walls all over, not to mention the constant classic films/ skits being played on a projector, 8mm keeps you in that filmography mood even in the bathroom, and that’s where we come in!

They are as of now, inducted into the HALL OF FAME! LO AND BEHOLD WHAT GREAT WONDERS AWAIT YOU!

dearest readers, I trust you’re all smart enough to figure out which door to enter. 😉

Only shame is that they’re sliding doors, so you won’t be able to see them unless the door is closed.


Please feel free to send me signs and pictures of interesting WCs from around lebanon!
Send a mail to the Janitor in Chief at: thepublictoilet@hotmail.com