Archive for the ‘Toiletainment!’ Category

Pooperoni

Posted: October 31, 2014 in Don't Shit Where You Eat!, Toiletainment!

SAUSAGES!

I mean, that alone should make your mouth water and/or arise some sort of chuckle because you’re a 13 year old boy that thinks he’s the first person to make the connection that sausages are phallic shaped. Either way, we cannot deny that sausages have been/are/will be part of everyone’s life at one point or another. We’ve all been to a sausage fest after all. at one point or another in our lives.

Sausage Fest in a jacuzi! (sexiness. too bad you can't see it!)

The bad kind of sausage fest

 

SAUSAGES EVERYWHERE!!!

The good kind of sausage fest!

Now that we’ve covered our bases on the good and the bad kind of sausage, it’s time to turn our attention to the new, third kind of sausage that would make most of us cringe, the UGLY!

ENTER: the pooperoni

No, that’s not a lame pun. No, it’s not a spelling mistake. You heard me. Pooperoni. After all, this is a blog about toilets, why else would I include sausage?
Scientists have created a new and exciting kind of sausage. A healthy sausage that would add to your intestine’s natural flora. In layman’s terms, It adds bacteria to help you poop better. You might’ve seen ads about “Probiotic yogurt” that help you take a dump, that’s basically the same thing but in sausage form. Normally, for a rapid bowel movement, you’d opt for super spicy, preferably badly preserved sausage, and have the most explosive bowel movement of your life, but that isn’t what science is here to do.

you do not want to see this. trust me

Not as happy an ending as this one. no green meadows, only the brown shit.

 

So, what the good researchers at Catalonia’s Institute of Food and Agricultural Research decided to do, is to make your sausage using a very special ingredient, extracted from the most remote places that humans have dared to explore. So demanding was their search, that they ended up searching where the sun don’t shine, and from within the darkness, they found the answer, all of that to make your bowel movements that much easier. (To my lebanese readers, Imagine zein al atet’s ad, only even more extreme. To my non- lebanese readers, see video below for reference.)

 

However, the true source of this magical ingredient isn’t some amazonian plant. It’s extracted from this BEAST!!!

AVERT YOUR EYES!

STARE INTO THE EYES OF…. Wait what? That’s a baby! Where’s the monster?

 

That’s right. Babies.

Wait no, no no no no no… Don’t call the cops!!! IT ISN’T MADE OF BABIES! It’s made using baby poop. Ok granted that doesn’t sound much better, but it really is good for you. The way it works is bacteria! Baby poop has bacteria that is proven to give a nice little boost to the health of your intestine by adding probiotic bacteria. The good kind of bacteria. The kind that breaks down your food and helps unconstipate you. So, instead of making sausage the traditional way using raw meat bacteria, we replace that with baby poo bacteria. It’s cuter, cuz you know… babies! Word on the street is that this sausage dosen’t taste half bad either!!

Would I try it? I don’t know. Probably, only because those buggers are so damn cute I don’t want to put them out of business.

 


For any comments or suggestions, send a mail to the Janitor in Chief at: thepublictoilet@hotmail.com

Public Toilet Survival Kit

Posted: December 20, 2013 in Toiletainment!

As most of you readers know, I like to keep a tight ship while running things here at the public toilet. That means sanitation and cleanliness is paramount. However, one can not expect to be as lucky everywhere else in the world. We good folk of the public toilet like to look after you, dearest readers, and therefore, for your personal hygiene we refer you to this! (click image for Amazon.com page)

fact: the public toilet survival kit is much smaller than the zombie survival kit

For those emergency cases where you absolutely need to use a public toilet, yet do not wish to get crabs and/or fungus from the seat. Keep one on you at all times, you never know…. stay safe!

 

For any further details or questions, please contact the Public Toilet Janitor in chief by clicking the link below


Send a mail to the Janitor in Chief at: thepublictoilet@hotmail.com

Methods of peeing: Male version

Posted: October 28, 2013 in Toiletainment!

To the many female readers out there, I know you might think that the male urination process is a magical feat of wonder and mystery… This post serves to shed some light on the many ways guys can urinate. Lo and Behold, EDUCATE THYSELVES!!

 

I hope you found that Informative enough.  For any further details or questions, please contact the Public Toilet Janitor in chief by clicking the link below


Send a mail to the Janitor in Chief at: thepublictoilet@hotmail.com

Big in Japan

Posted: May 16, 2013 in Toiletainment!

Ahh… Japan…. Land of the rising sun, creators of favorites such as Godzilla, Pokemon and sushi. Technology giants, with names as big as Sony, Toyota, Fujitsu, and the list can stretch for ages so I’mma just stop right there…

Aww thank you Kanye, but I’m done with this list anyway… so I’m ok. Really. …. Go away now… please.

So… ANYWAY…. Those good people in Japan also are one of the more colorful characters in the world. Known for eccentricity in everything, (yea we all know they’re a weird bunch) But do you think what goes on in the privacy of their toilets should remain private? HELL NO! This is the public toilet. We therefore bring you: SUPERTOILETS, the toilets of the future!

As featured on one of the prominent references of the future, Futurama!

This is where it gets interesting. Try to keep up please. Here’s what your basic high-tech Japanese toilet control panel looks like (Yea, they got control panels.)

To those of you that don’t even know how to work a thermostat… Good luck taking a dump in Japan.

Now from just reading what’s on the panel, you kind of figure out what basic functions Japanese toilets come fitted with…

If you didn’t quite get them all, here’s a nice list!

1- Front wash

2- Posterior wash

3- Nozzle sterilizer

4- Deodorizer

5- Water temperature control

6- Air dryer (+temperature control)

7- Adjustable water pressure

8- Heated seats

9- Noise maker (for people that don’t need people listening on their business… it generates random noise to cover it up)

10- Auto lid/seat

11- Massage cleaning

12- Self Washing bowl

13- Nightlight

14- Timer

Doesn’t that sound pretty much like heaven? Screw the Iron Throne, I wanna sit on one of these for the rest of my life! Here’s what a few of them look like

Umm… on second thought… this looks scary

well. There you have it folks. you heard it here first. So if you’re dropping by Japan any time soon, be sure to try the sushi, so that you can leave the good folks there a little gift in those massaging toilet machinations. Who knows, you might get a happy ending with it!

And please. Treat them with respect and dignity. We don’t want this scenario happening again :/

As always, Happy Flushing!!


Send a mail to the Janitor in Chief at: thepublictoilet@hotmail.com

Special commendation is deserved for all and any who helped destroy the Nazi scum back in the day. This article is written to commemorate one unsung hero, sitting deep in the cold embrace of the North Sea’s bosom. One lone rogue, tired of taking shit from all those damn Nazis, so one day, it decided to revolt.

This is the story of one toilet that infiltrated behind enemy lines, and caused the sinking of a German submarine. This is a story of a hero. This is the story of the toilet of U-1206…

Our hero’s body lies resting within this vessel. May the Lord shine his light upon him!

Here’s how the story goes:

The U-1206 was a state of the art German U-Boat that was striking fear and terror off the coast of Scotland. Now a part of the boat’s state of the art-ness was its new deepwater high-pressure heads which allowed them to be used while running at depth. Flushing these facilities was extremely complicated and special technicians were trained to operate them. How much more advanced can you get, flushing a toilet while deep underwater?! Though I must admit, a technician employed solely for the purpose of flushing toilets is kind of a sweet job.

(WARNING: Let the following  be a lesson to all scientists out there NOT to play God. Man was never meant to flush a toilet so deep underwater…)

Official report (By official I mean I got it off Wikipedia):

“On April 14, 1945, 8 miles (13 km) off Peterhead, Scotland, while cruising at a depth of 200 feet (61 m), misuse of the new head caused large amounts of water to flood the boat. […] The leak flooded the submarine’s batteries (located beneath the toilet) causing them to release chlorine gas, leaving him with no alternative but to surface. Once surfaced, U-1206 was discovered and bombed by British patrols, forcing Schlitt to sink his own submarine”

God bless you, brave soldier!

The brave little ceramic warrior forced the German captain to sink his own ship… THE SHAME!
And so, I thereby bestow upon that toilet, the WWII Medal of honor! (or an E-Version of that)

Congratulations old friend… you deserve it!

 


Send a mail to the Janitor in Chief at: thepublictoilet@hotmail.com

HOLD THE LINE!

Posted: May 29, 2012 in Toiletainment!

We’re back! and i think its like the 5th or 6th time we’ve said that on this blog. In any case, we’re happy to be back and entertain all your toilet needs, and now you can finally stop holding it in and step into the public toilet once more!

Speaking of holding it in, it does sound like something we do everyday. At some points, it would be war with your bladder.

you know that face. you’ve made that face. Usually related to diherriea and war with your colon…

Hopefully, for your sake, most of the times you’ve won the battle and did not end up with a puddle under your feet or brown streaks all along your pants.

I know, I know, you’re going to tell me that the best feeling in the world is holding it in forever and then releasing Poseidon’s rage into the depths of the toilet bowl, and I agree. After a night of heavy beer drinking, that release is one of the best feelings money can’t buy.

Just look at how much fun she’s having!

However, what we do not know, and the good guys here at the public toilet want you to be aware of, is that the very thing you’re trying to prevent will happen more often if you hold it in often. What happens is that when the bladder expands and you hold it in, it will lose its elasticity over time, meaning you’ll have to go to the bathroom more often and you wouldn’t be able to have as much fun as you did before. We’re not complaining, we’d love to see you visit us more, but preferably without having soiled yourselves.

Holding it in will not have any serious instantaneous effects like bursting the bladder, (except in extreme cases like having a full bladder and getting shot in the bladder… that kind of stuff.. then you’d have more serious problems, like filing the hospital paperwork… filling those things can be a bitch) However, you might not want to have urinary tract infections and a tendency to have uncontrollable bowel movements. Yea, those suck too.

Our advice? as always, use the toilet. Just go. Use it. We’re here for you. We’re the shoulder for you to cry on. We know what you need. We can take it.

and if for some reason a guy points a gun at your head and tells you that you can’t pay us a visit, this cool web page has a few tips and tricks for you!

http://www.wikihow.com/Hold-in-Pee-when-You-Can’t-Use-the-Bathroom

Just one more thing before we let you go. Its summer n stuff. please don’t pee in the pool, its ok to try and hold it in when you’re swimming. Please,i ts damaging to our business.

Don’t do it. Or ill send all three of those guys to your house to pee in your bathtub.

As always we wish you a pleasant urinary experience! Adieu!


Send a mail to the Janitor in Chief at: thepublictoilet@hotmail.com

Stool Color Codes!

Posted: November 25, 2011 in Toiletainment!

 

Well, its that time of year again. Well you probably do not know what I’m going on about, but does this tell you anything?

Canned Red BEETS!

YES! YES! Its beet season again! Why am I excited you ask? well first of all, I like the taste of sweet red beets. Plus when I eat them I can pretend I’m a vampire that just fed. (Oh don’t pretend that you don’t do that. That’s the only good thing about beets)

In any case, a few hours after eating those yummy root thingies, we go to our beloved local WC to take care of our dumpage buisiness, and what do you know, a nice surprise! We’ve got a part of a rainbow! A nice deep red, or a fountain of purple or orange (depending on intensity of beet feasting)! Now ain’t that a treat for the eyes! 

Sure its all fun and games for that time. But a surprise is nice only when its once a year. If its Christmas everyday, it sort of becomes a drag, right? And that’s the exact same thing when it comes to our colored products. 

That’s why we should be wary of our “stool” color as the experts call it.

No, not that kind of stool -_-

The following table details all the colors of your rainbow, and what concerns and causes might have made it happen

Stool Color Stool Color Meaning Probable Health or Dietary Causes
Light to medium brown Normal Normal
Very light brown Too much fat in the body, liver problem, or constipation Insufficient fiber content in the diet
Black Duodenal ulcer, Internal bleeding in the upper section of the GI tract, i.e. Esophagus, stomach or first section of the small intestine Consumption of highly concentrated iron supplements, large quantities of olives, licorice, blue berries; heavy intake of alcohol, improper blood flow to the intestine, and vascular malformation
Dark red or maroon Internal bleeding of the lower section of the GI tract, internal hemorrhoids, anal fissure, colon polyps,diverticulitis, or colon cancer Internal bleeding causes blood to seep into the colon and get mixed with the blood
Bright red Hemorrhoids, digestive system disorders, or colon cancer Consumption of foods that are rich in red dyes such as licorice, candy, and other artificially colored food items, all causes of black or dark red colored stool in addition
Orange Gallbladder malfunctioning, fast transit time Gallbladder malfunction, fast transit time, consumption of medicines or foods like carrots and spinach containing beta-carotene, antacids containing aluminum hydroxide, and artificially synthesized food items
Yellow Gilbert’s syndrome, malabsorption, giardiasis, and pancreatic cancer Gilbert’s syndrome leads to poor processing of red blood cells; malabsorption of fats leads it to the colon, where it mixes with stool; in giardiasis, the protozoans cause diarrhea
Dark Green Stool Indigestion of green vegetables such as spinach, a fast transit time, irritable bowel syndromeulcerative colitisand celiac disease Consumption of green leafy vegetables, foods flavored with limes, iron supplements, vitamin supplements containing chlorophyll, or foods that contain green dyes such as Kool-Aid and gelatin
Gray Malabsorption Blockage of bile flow from gallbladder to intestine. The most probable reason is presence of tumor in the bile ducts or pancreas
Clay Malabsorption, hepatitis, gallbladder disorders Hepatitis and gallbladder problems disrupt the flow of bile out of the liver, and hence the stool turns to clay

 (courtesy of http://www.buzzle.com/articles/stool-color-meanings.html)

Oh and eating rainbow colored food doesn’t help by the way…

its the leprechaun's trap! don't eat it!

And we’ve another table for your fountain of youth! if your pee-pee is colored, there might be a problem aswell.

Urine Color Urine Color Meaning Possible Underlying Disease or Condition
Clear urine Excess liquid consumption Any liver disease, like hepatitis or liver cirrhosis, diabetes insipidus or diabetes mellitus. This of also often the urine color during pregnancy
Bright yellow or neon yellow Vitamin supplements Excessive consumption of vitamin capsules, leading to a potential risk of hypervitaminosis
Dark yellow or golden color Very concentrated urine Severe dehydration, may also be indicative of over consumption of laxatives or food supplements which contain B complex vitamins. Read more on dark yellow urine causes
Pink or red color Hematuria, indicative of blood in urine Kidney infections, bladder infections, excessive consumption of certain foods like beets and berries and food dyes, also due to some laxatives
Orange Due to certain drugs like rifampin, doxorubicin, phenazopyridine and warfarin If there is ornage urine color, dehydration, excess intake of certain food dyes, laxatives are often implicated
Blue or green Side effect of certain medications like amitriptylene, indomethacin Over consumption of certain foods like asparagus and food dyes
Cloudy or murky Inability of the kidneys to produce normal urine, presence of protein in urine Urinary tract infection, like inflammation of the urethra (urethritis), bladder infection, kidney stones etc. Read more on cloudy urine causes
Dark brown or tea colored Often accompanied by pale stools and jaundice, or diarrhea Indicative of an underlying liver disorder, side effect of certain medications, blood in urine, could also be caused due to certain foods and food dyes

(http://www.buzzle.com/articles/urine-color-meaning.html)

Ouh! you might be a new evolved breed of unicorn!

 

And a word of caution… If the products of your digestion tend to glow in the dark… You just might be a new kind of superhero. Use your powers wisely. For further info, contact the Public Toilet Janitor in Chief.

 

Penis Envy

Posted: September 17, 2011 in Toiletainment!

Alright so, as some of my dedicated readers have noticed….

ok fine I was lying i have no dedicated readers, I noticed it myself… anyway, I’ve noticed that most of the posts here cater to males, typically because of my expertise in the male urination process, and not so much with the female one. Although if granted access to womens’ bathrooms, I would definatley take time off and observe their urination processes closely, FOR SCIENCE!

However, seeing as most facilities called security when I inquired about the situation, I’v had to look for alternatives. I therefore have looked long and hard, and found something to bridge the gap:

ENTER the P EZ  Female urinal apparatus!

Looks like a purple male appendage so to speak...

According to the manufacturer, this plastic “thingy “has the following product features:

  • No more uncomfortable squatting over unsanitary toilets
  • Discreet, portable & re-usable
  • Designed not to flow back, splash or spill
If you think this is weird and noone would think of it, think again. They have competition!

Again.. whats with the funky colors?

Now those so called urination devices prompt the age old freudian problem as stated in the title… Penis envy.
Women, when confronted by this issue laugh it off and shrug it off as a male oriented psychological analysis, or just say that freud was a freak. Now I sort of agree that freud was kind of a sex pest, but he might have been onto something here.
The theory states that penis envy is the ” reaction of a girl during her psychosexual development to the realization that she does not have a penis.”

now she wouldnt be too upset if she had one of the above would she?

one of the manifestations as described by almighty wikipedia is :

“She desires a penis, and the power that it represents. This is described as penis envy. She sees the solution as obtaining her father’s penis”
Now seeing as most daddies, however much they love their baby girl, will not be willing to part with their man parts, will not really be pleased about handing it over to their daughters. Therefore I believe that necessity  is the mother of invention, and after a couple of failed penis snatching attempts for women to get a penis, they chose to artificially create a couple.
I applaud their effort. However, I would change the color scheme. :/
Now ladies, you might have been enlightened so I’ll help you out and provide the links for amazon for the fine products above. just click the pictures and you’ll be sent to the page.
Alternatively, if you’ve come to terms with yourself, you might want this shirt:

For the more fashion conscious.

As always, we wish you happy urination, whether standing or seated!


Send a mail to the Janitor in Chief at: thepublictoilet@hotmail.com

“Magic” Urinal: Uri-lift!!!

Posted: August 18, 2011 in Toiletainment!

Deepest apologies dedicated reader(s), (yes you sara. thanks for subscribing, it reminded me i still have a blog) It has been a while since I’ve really given much attention to my urination process, and I feel ashamed.

To make up for it, I present this post from my Irish adventures. BEHOLD!

While roaming the streets in Belfast, we notice  a nice, round circle we could only assume is a sewer cover.

An ordinary sidewalk

However in the middle of the night, some peepee magic happens 🙂

magic urinal suddenly appears!

In an effort to fight the war on public urination (yes its a war just as vicious as  the war on drugs and terrorism. ) cities across europe have been placing magic urinals in the cities so drunken idiots (like myself the night of the discovery) can have a safe peeing place where no cat might sneak up on you!

 

 


Send a mail to the Janitor in Chief at: thepublictoilet@hotmail.com

Paruresis

Posted: June 21, 2011 in Toiletainment!

Yes, on this blog, sometimes the titles are sort of sophisticated. That is due to the fact that we are not just for your entertainment, but for your educational pleasure aswell.

Paruresis, also known as bladder shyness, also known as stage fright, also known as bashful bladder, also known as bashful kidneys, also known as pee fright, also known as urophobia, also known as pee-shyness, also known as public piss syndrome, also known as gun-shy, also known as shy bladder syndrome, also known as air-blockage,  also known as “that guy keeps staring at me, how the hell am I going to discharge my bodily fluids!?”…. Lots of ‘also known as’ es… It is a common fear faced by many a frequenter of public toilets worldwide.  It most commonly affects males, mainly due to the fact that urinals are more exposed than stalls, however it does affect females aswell.

peeking

This is what the victim feels like. A clear violation of the splash zone rule may eventually cause Paruresis, and lifelong trauma (Refer to the urinal courtesy section of the blog)

This condition is a purely psychological one, and it should not be confused with a biological disorder, prostatitis.  Due to its nature, being a mental one, its treatment is through habit.
A few tips on how to start treating it, depending on the level of Paruresis, would be a step by step method, where the person uses MP3 Players to get the feeling of isolation, using stalls at first, and eventually restoring normal public restroom use with ease.

So next time you guys see your buddy heading for a stall instead of a urinal, no he doesn’t need to tinkle from his vajayjay, he might be bladder shy. So help him by understanding, and of course, poking a little fun is a given, just not too much.  And please take note that this could be an eventual after effect of breaking the Splash Zone code of conduct, so please, rules are there for a reason!

and finally, the public toilet team wishes you an enjoyable urination experience!


Send a mail to the Janitor in Chief at: thepublictoilet@hotmail.com