Archive for May, 2013

Big in Japan

Posted: May 16, 2013 in Toiletainment!

Ahh… Japan…. Land of the rising sun, creators of favorites such as Godzilla, Pokemon and sushi. Technology giants, with names as big as Sony, Toyota, Fujitsu, and the list can stretch for ages so I’mma just stop right there…

Aww thank you Kanye, but I’m done with this list anyway… so I’m ok. Really. …. Go away now… please.

So… ANYWAY…. Those good people in Japan also are one of the more colorful characters in the world. Known for eccentricity in everything, (yea we all know they’re a weird bunch) But do you think what goes on in the privacy of their toilets should remain private? HELL NO! This is the public toilet. We therefore bring you: SUPERTOILETS, the toilets of the future!

As featured on one of the prominent references of the future, Futurama!

This is where it gets interesting. Try to keep up please. Here’s what your basic high-tech Japanese toilet control panel looks like (Yea, they got control panels.)

To those of you that don’t even know how to work a thermostat… Good luck taking a dump in Japan.

Now from just reading what’s on the panel, you kind of figure out what basic functions Japanese toilets come fitted with…

If you didn’t quite get them all, here’s a nice list!

1- Front wash

2- Posterior wash

3- Nozzle sterilizer

4- Deodorizer

5- Water temperature control

6- Air dryer (+temperature control)

7- Adjustable water pressure

8- Heated seats

9- Noise maker (for people that don’t need people listening on their business… it generates random noise to cover it up)

10- Auto lid/seat

11- Massage cleaning

12- Self Washing bowl

13- Nightlight

14- Timer

Doesn’t that sound pretty much like heaven? Screw the Iron Throne, I wanna sit on one of these for the rest of my life! Here’s what a few of them look like

Umm… on second thought… this looks scary

well. There you have it folks. you heard it here first. So if you’re dropping by Japan any time soon, be sure to try the sushi, so that you can leave the good folks there a little gift in those massaging toilet machinations. Who knows, you might get a happy ending with it!

And please. Treat them with respect and dignity. We don’t want this scenario happening again :/

As always, Happy Flushing!!

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Special commendation is deserved for all and any who helped destroy the Nazi scum back in the day. This article is written to commemorate one unsung hero, sitting deep in the cold embrace of the North Sea’s bosom. One lone rogue, tired of taking shit from all those damn Nazis, so one day, it decided to revolt.

This is the story of one toilet that infiltrated behind enemy lines, and caused the sinking of a German submarine. This is a story of a hero. This is the story of the toilet of U-1206…

Our hero’s body lies resting within this vessel. May the Lord shine his light upon him!

Here’s how the story goes:

The U-1206 was a state of the art German U-Boat that was striking fear and terror off the coast of Scotland. Now a part of the boat’s state of the art-ness was its new deepwater high-pressure heads which allowed them to be used while running at depth. Flushing these facilities was extremely complicated and special technicians were trained to operate them. How much more advanced can you get, flushing a toilet while deep underwater?! Though I must admit, a technician employed solely for the purpose of flushing toilets is kind of a sweet job.

(WARNING: Let the following  be a lesson to all scientists out there NOT to play God. Man was never meant to flush a toilet so deep underwater…)

Official report (By official I mean I got it off Wikipedia):

“On April 14, 1945, 8 miles (13 km) off Peterhead, Scotland, while cruising at a depth of 200 feet (61 m), misuse of the new head caused large amounts of water to flood the boat. […] The leak flooded the submarine’s batteries (located beneath the toilet) causing them to release chlorine gas, leaving him with no alternative but to surface. Once surfaced, U-1206 was discovered and bombed by British patrols, forcing Schlitt to sink his own submarine”

God bless you, brave soldier!

The brave little ceramic warrior forced the German captain to sink his own ship… THE SHAME!
And so, I thereby bestow upon that toilet, the WWII Medal of honor! (or an E-Version of that)

Congratulations old friend… you deserve it!


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